Friday, 23 September 2011

The What ifs!!

Its been another huge couple of weeks on the home front testing our little family unit to the limit.
Poor old Jaz has been pretty sick, double vision with lots of fatigue and headaches. After a stint in A&E. Oncology decided to bring forward her routine MRI Scan. A couple of days later we received a call from our Oncology Nurse. That's when the "what ifs" came to haunt us.

Isn't it funny how we torture ourselves with worst case scenarios? I'm not going to go into the details of Jasmines results but to be fair they sounded pretty awful. Our meeting with the specialist to discuss her MRI was another 10 days leaving us both together and as individuals to create some pretty scary what ifs!!

Where do we live? When will this thing beat her? How will we cope? Will I ever see my girls grow up? Should we move close to family in Christchurch? What will I do for a job? Christchurch doesn't seem to offer much should we just stay here??
Life seemed pretty grim based on one phone call and one persons opinion combined with our imagined worst case it was hard to imagine a life together going forward.
The appointment finally arrived on Wednesday 1.40pm. With the girls at school and daycare Jaz and I headed into the city early and enjoyed lunch, shopping and a brief visit to the Art centre. For 2 hours Jaz and I enjoyed being us, we shopped laughed and enjoyed the freedom that comes from not having kids. Normality until we entered the hospital grounds then the fear, what ifs and tears started again.

The appointment was delayed 30 minutes while they discussed her scan and then the moment came. How would they tell us? What if.......? The Specialist was the nicest guy, very calming one of those Doctors that respects and understands his patients. But the words that came out of his mouth didn't make sense? Jaz was crying and then asked "did you say the tumour is dying"? "yes, but things can change and we need to continue treatment with regular MRIs until we are sure you are safe" "its early days and there is still a blood supply, the battle isn't over but we are heading in the right direction!"
All of a sudden the what ifs had changed from negatives to positives. We might have a future and Jaz has a great chance of getting better.

We have tortured ourselves for weeks and now after one meeting we feel like all of that hard work is starting to pay off.
One thing I have learnt from this experience is the importance of having positive people around you and the person suffering their battle. Dealing with death is tough and can be very lonely, watching the world go by. Instead of living it feels like you are just existing. Getting through the days until the next appointment or scan. So receiving an email or text makes a huge difference. They dont have to be in the same town or even country. Just knowing that there is someone else out there batting for your team makes it all a little easier.

Have a great weekend go the All Blacks and the Mighty Vodafone Warriors!!!



  1. We are definately batting for your team here in England :) Love Karen and family xxxxxxxxx

  2. better news for you all lets hope it just keeps getting and best toyou all from waikuku

  3. Wow that's a huge step forward for you guys! We're definitely still batting for your team! Love Nate, Jen & Hollie xxx

  4. What a sense of relief! Still a battle ahead but maybe a few less "What if's?" for now. Thinking of you all and sending squeezy tearful hugs.

  5. What wonderful news. One thing you cannot doubt is the positivity of those around you - well all over the world actually!

  6. Wow - that is fantastic news. Have been thinking of you all Can't begin to imagine what you are going through but know you do inspire many around you with your positive outlook and strong, loving family.
    Love Linda, Jake and Caitlin